Active listening is a skill which recognises learning what people say (and what they don’t say) is not a passive experience, but an exercise which requires our attention, intention, skill and practice. Let’s break this down. To really hear what someone is saying we need to pay attention to what they say and how they say it. We need to: Listen to the words they choose to use - do the words have a deeper significance for the person? Why have they chosen those particular words? Hear how they are using the words - for example are the words used with hope, anger, despair or to deflect from the person's real feelings? Hear where there is doubt or certainty in the words they use - is someone saying they are going to do something but really sounding like they won’t? Listen to what is missing - are there words the person is not using which you might expect them to be using? Why might this be? When we really pay attention we will not be focused on what we are going to say back, but will be looking at the person and giving them our full attention. This requires intention on our part as hearers. We need to ensure that we don’t attach our own meaning to what the person is saying. For example, someone saying they are tired, we might recognise for ourselves as a sign that we have done too much or are stressed. However, for the person talking, it could mean to them that they have completed a satisfying day's work. We need to remain non-judgemental about what the person says so they can feel assured that they have been heard and have had their voice validated. This form of listening is a skill which takes hard work and discipline on the part of the hearer. We need to learn how to put aside our own distractions as much as we can and listen to the verbal and non-verbal communication coming from the person to whom we are listening. Part of this skill requires that we use the words the other person uses to provide them with feedback through reflecting back to them what they have said. This all takes practice. None of us get this right all of the time. It is a matter of us working hard on how we listen to other people and continually developing our skills. For example, when you feel you have started to master the basics such as using nods and ‘uhms’ to reassure the person you are hearing them, you might look at developing more advanced listening skills such as those used in motivational interviewing.